This morning the good people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania gathered around Gobbler’s Knob to watch Phil (AKA…greedy Groundhog) come out of his cage…lair…creepy, rat infested hole (you take your pick) and look around for his shadow. This is Phil’s 126th “prognostication” (that’s really what the website called it).
Did you know that all groundhogs do this? They are obsessed with their shadows…and they turn around and around trying to find it…which drives them to gorge themselves on the ground (hence…why they are called GROUND-HOGS).
I don’t know how the little town of Punxsutawney claimed the privilege of being the official forecaster of winter on this day…but they have. Just like Wheaties became the Cereal of champions (although not even Champions can choke it down)…and the Easter Bunny brings you eggs (although bunnies don’t lay eggs), some things just happen…and Punxsutawney happened to get lucky.
They claim that Punxsutawney Phil (their greedy groundhog) is the only true weather forecasting groundhog in the world. Others are just IMPOSTERS! (I bet that made Wiarton Willie up in Canada A-N-G-R-Y!) They also claim that Phil’s weather predictions are correct 100% of the time.
I don’t know about you…but I think the government needs to take action and send troops in to claim Phil as their own. He can do what no other weatherman can—predict accurately. Maybe NASA could study Phil (since they aren’t sending rockets into space) and figure out all his secret powers!
Because he does have secret powers! Weather forecasting’s not all that woodchuck can do; he also knows the secret to living forever! Punxsutawney claims this is the SAME Phil who prognosticated 125 years ago. Yowzers! I googled groundhogs to see if that was normal…and it isn’t! They live 6 years tops in the wild (usually more like 2-3). But 125 YEARS! That just doesn’t happen.
The INNER CIRCLE of Punxsutawney backs up their claim by confessing that Phil drinks the elixir of life—a secret recipe they don’t want to share. He sips this each summer and it gives him 7 more years of life (I’m not sure if that is in human or dog years).
I think that town needs a new marketing strategy. Forget the Groundhog Day celebration once a year. Ground Greedy Phil to his room until he gives up his drink! Bottle up that Elixir of Life and sell it! Everyone in Punxsutawney could have a mansion and drive a Rolls Royce and hold their pinkies up all fancy-like. Who cares if Greedy Phil sees his shadow? I want me some of that Elixir, man!